self talk

i.

our bodies clash

warm, sweaty, hungry

loving, soft, gentle

ii.

our words clash

loud, complex, emotional

i am always the villain.

iii.

one happens after the other

and i wonder:

do you use me?

is this love?

why do we fight?

iv.

arguing is the worst punishment

because it comes with anxiety

hurt regret self-loathing

when you are angry,

i hate myself

v.

no, no.

i am more than this.

i will stop focusing on the pain.

i will read. i will ignore you.

you have no control unless i give it to you

i am the one in charge.

vi.

i am near certain

that in the morning you will consider listening more

but because i do not reply,

you will either hunger for my attention

or use this as ammunition

vii.

i am better than this.

i will not break.

i will not break.

i am worth this.

i am worth more.

i matter.

i do not belong to you.

viii.

you do not understand.

it is time for me to leave.

have you considered that i don't need them?

that i don't want them?

that i spend time with them for your sake?

no.

that is a secret.

ix.

fine.

i am better than this.

i will withdraw.

you can spend your time elsewhere but forget asking for pleasure.

i will only give when i feel loved.

and now?

i feel forgotten.

x.

i am strong.

i do not need you.

i simply chose you.

would it be easier

if you left too?

i am no longer sure.

xi.

you say you care

but hold my words and feelings like ammunition

shutting out what you do not want to hear

youthful age of sixteen

i am old.

i am tired.

and you do not care.

xii.

here we stand.

are we a team?

were you ever there at all?

what do i mean to you?

xiii.

i must fall in love with myself.

the one person who will never leave.

i am amazing.

i am talented.

i am me.

and i do not deserve anything less

than to be loved.