playlist for suicidal crowds ? (aug/sept2026 edition)

 loveology - regina spektor (but only the portion beginning with porcupine-ology to the end)

the downward spiral - nine inch nails (the entire album listened in one sitting)

viscus - oklou

back in the 90's - grouplove 

disclaimer: things are not good

 viscus, blade bird and family and friends by oklou have been on loop for four straight days. 

you'd think i'd have them memorized by now.  

 

 been thinking a lot about the beginner's guide the last couple of days. even if the story is fictional, so many bits of it hit deep. specifically the lines in coda's game where the pitch is that there are a bunch of notes left by people when in all actuality they've been written by and left for himself. 

"he was, himself, the most horrible creature he could imagine."

"his terrible secret, he kept it well" 

"he cut it up, and spread it between worlds."

 

is this one of those worlds I could hide a secret in? 

I'm not sure there's any world my secret could live in.

 

it's interesting how mental illness evolves. 

last time i had an episode, it looked a lot different. so different that it was hard to tell that i've been getting really bad again until i passed that threshold and was forced to consider calling the hotline.

things feel so complicated this time. there was a domino effect and i'm not sure how i'll get better unless i just go back to ignoring everything. 

but there's also that sad, dark truth that maybe i don't actually want to get better.  

Disclaimer: Things are getting bad again.

 I think everyone but me forgot about this blog. 

 

I'm going to start using it again.  

realization

 It's in the moments of loss, of detected detachment, that I become an animal.

Hungry, desperate, reckless

Goal-oriented, determined, hell-bent on survival.

In the starkest of hours, the people on the other end of the suicide hotline suggested the creation of a 'CRP' - a crisis response plan.

One of the final questions was: What is your reason for living?

What is my reason for living?

I have no pets, I take care of nothing but six houseplants and they are but houseplants. I don't want to kill my family like that. 

After days of prayer, of pondering, of self-reflection, of standing in the woods I come to a conclusion.

My purpose is companionship.

I seek it out desperately, blind and deaf. I frantically seek to make out the edges of the room, to feel and detect and identify the body, the shape and feel of my lover. Yet, they still feel so temporary so I draw my hands along their form, seeking to dedicate it to memory, to imprint their very being on my fingertips so they might always be with me.

It is not quite loneliness I fear, more so to never be known, to never be loved.

I become a pitiful and yet terrifying creature all the same.

Gnawing its own leg off to free itself, bending and sacrificing to bend into some new shape. 

To be borderline is to be trapped by my own soul, contained within the thicket around my heart. The greenery, at once so beautiful and deadly, grows beyond my chest where it took root and flowers in my lungs, in my stomach. So woven into my being that it feels like it and myself are one and the same, so inseparable that if one were to cut out the parasite, I might perish and die. 

Yet I do my best to trim the hedges. To try to fight off when it drives my form. But it and I are one and the same. 

The only salve seems to be consistency, company, balance and equality in companionship. I can't quite fathom having something like that, and perhaps that keeps it at bay.

One can only hope it gets better.

curious

I don't go inside. 

I just sit in my car for a long time.

I scroll, phone light dim. It's just past eleven.

We were watching anime and I was falling asleep. Something feels wrong, but I can't place it. The sad is creeping in and I can't erase it. I don't know why it's there but logic says it's exhaustion and overstimulation.

I'm here realizing the problem is me. It's me and it would be so nice to take a pill or do something and stop being myself for a while because it has me thinking about killing myself again. 

Taking more drugs.

I don't want to see anyone tonight or tomorrow. Brain wants Taylor. Brain wants otome game dating sim. Brain wants attention and to sleep forever but the melatonin doesn't work and I just want to not wake up preferably. 

I'm not sure what's going to happen. 

I just imagine what I was telling Aly.

It's all good. Give him time to miss you. 

Everything is fine.

Everything is fine. Everything is fine.

Dull the pain.

Eat brownies out of the pan.

Play cupid.parasite. climb into your gross ass dirty sheets and clean your room tomorrow but go home and dull the pain until it doesn't matter anymore.

He seemed to think I was upset earlier. I was just reserved. Just withdrawn. Too many moving pieces and factors. I just. I want to stare at a wall until I decay and die.

Worst part is I don't know if this will ever stop.

This may just be the rest of my life.

shame

To be a daughter of trauma 

Is such a strange thing

To crave and be disgusted by sex in equal measure

In the mess of hands and mouths and touching 

To find both torment and pleasure in climax

Disgust and horror / hunger and relish

Afterwards

I could feel the animal shape of my body 

Its own organism 

And I was repulsed 

Loathing the sexuality of it. The animalistic drives. 

Mentally barren and removed from the idea. 

I want to escape this human skin.

Being trapped in this ghastly form that has these desires is torture.

Free me from this prison.

This dastardly game that nobody ever wins, least of all my true self. 

I don't know

My head hurts from the screens.

Lightness from DCFC plays softly

I wonder how to tell you I love you. 

I think about the red string of fate.

What everything means.

I have no idea. No perspective. 

I'm just trying. I'm trying to doing my best just to survive. To persevere.

I'm realizing that's one of my greatest strengths. 

Knowing I will be more than this.

Resilience.

That is my greatest strength.

At heart, I don't want to die.

I will do a good job.

I will burn brightly.

That's just who I am. I don't have a choice in the matter.

It's the strangest thing to realize. 

I guess there are some things I really do love about myself. 

Today was easier than the others.

I had a job interview. 

I got a coffee which was good and some McDonald's 

I've been on and off I'll all day

I got a text back tonight 

And he's going on the cruise tomorrow and I judt.

Each message hurts. 

Painful. 

Very painful.

I don't know what to say.

I'm running out of words.

I just don't know.

I don't know.

It hurts. But it also doesn't. 

I don't know.