5am wakeup

The only one here that really hurts is me

It's as if he heard we could keep talking and then he was fine 

Does he think I haven't been serious about being suicidal? I think he takes it for granted 

I thought he'd say something else before he was gone 

Something besides what he did 

How is it I feel worse

I woke up from a good dream the first in a minute

A beast man to come to my old room, the one I grew up in 

A twisted dark beauty and the beast

I wake up to that message 

As if nothing is happening 

Wishing I'd find a blessing before he returns 

Nothing about survival or being missed

Nothing about being loved

Nothing about being gone 

I still feel nauseous 

I don't know why I ate

I'm paying the price for it

I peed (normal now, which made me sad)

I put the food away so I can stop smelling it

The room is hot and I haven't showered since Wednesday

It's mother's day and I want nothing to do with my mom 

I just want to disappear 

Everything hurts and I feel so small

Why does it matter so much that he knows and cares

I wish I were dead 

.it's 5am

I have too many hours left to live for this