curious

I don't go inside. 

I just sit in my car for a long time.

I scroll, phone light dim. It's just past eleven.

We were watching anime and I was falling asleep. Something feels wrong, but I can't place it. The sad is creeping in and I can't erase it. I don't know why it's there but logic says it's exhaustion and overstimulation.

I'm here realizing the problem is me. It's me and it would be so nice to take a pill or do something and stop being myself for a while because it has me thinking about killing myself again. 

Taking more drugs.

I don't want to see anyone tonight or tomorrow. Brain wants Taylor. Brain wants otome game dating sim. Brain wants attention and to sleep forever but the melatonin doesn't work and I just want to not wake up preferably. 

I'm not sure what's going to happen. 

I just imagine what I was telling Aly.

It's all good. Give him time to miss you. 

Everything is fine.

Everything is fine. Everything is fine.

Dull the pain.

Eat brownies out of the pan.

Play cupid.parasite. climb into your gross ass dirty sheets and clean your room tomorrow but go home and dull the pain until it doesn't matter anymore.

He seemed to think I was upset earlier. I was just reserved. Just withdrawn. Too many moving pieces and factors. I just. I want to stare at a wall until I decay and die.

Worst part is I don't know if this will ever stop.

This may just be the rest of my life.