disclaimer: things are not good

 viscus, blade bird and family and friends by oklou have been on loop for four straight days. 

you'd think i'd have them memorized by now.  

 

 been thinking a lot about the beginner's guide the last couple of days. even if the story is fictional, so many bits of it hit deep. specifically the lines in coda's game where the pitch is that there are a bunch of notes left by people when in all actuality they've been written by and left for himself. 

"he was, himself, the most horrible creature he could imagine."

"his terrible secret, he kept it well" 

"he cut it up, and spread it between worlds."

 

is this one of those worlds I could hide a secret in? 

I'm not sure there's any world my secret could live in.

 

it's interesting how mental illness evolves. 

last time i had an episode, it looked a lot different. so different that it was hard to tell that i've been getting really bad again until i passed that threshold and was forced to consider calling the hotline.

things feel so complicated this time. there was a domino effect and i'm not sure how i'll get better unless i just go back to ignoring everything. 

but there's also that sad, dark truth that maybe i don't actually want to get better.