Regret

 Hey.

I really, really messed up. I didn't realize the extent of everything I'd done. And I've become someone I've never wanted to be. I'm finally seeing it now. The way I've become like the man I hate the most in the entire world and the excuses I've made to cover up for what I've done or try to make it okay. 

I've never really looked in the mirror and hated myself before. But I look now and I see that I've cheated on the most important person in the entire world. I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to do things that were so wildly, unbelievably inappropriate and for some reason, they felt okay in that moment. I said things to you, I had conversations with you, I was something that was so terrible and selfish that I'm ashamed of who I've been. I should have stopped this long ago, far before I ever told you.i had feelings. I'm so ashamed I didn't. 

You cheated on your wife. I am incredibly responsible for this, but so are you. As involved as I have been, you have as well. I know your marriage has been miserable and abusive and terrible. But that does not make any of what happened between us right. You cheated with the girlfriend of your best friend, a man who has always spoken highly of you, who has always had your back, who has always been unfailingly kind and patient. Far better than you or I deserve and we failed him, Mason. We did this in front of him and with his knowledge in front of his face. I want to kill myself for it. I will spend an entire lifetime making up for this and the things I did and I will spend forever wondering when I thought that my feelings for another man made what I did feel validated and right.

We both should never have gotten that far. I should never have answered or asked questions I did, I should have seen the signs and I should have told Brett how I felt about you from the moment I realized. I have potentially destroyed and done irreparable damage to the man I love the most and I am going to do everything in my power to make it up to him.

I don't think you really feel guilty about this. At least, not yet. But I need you to know I can't and don't want to see you again. This and our actions have hurt the best thing I've ever had. I didn't understand what I'd done before, but I do now and I take responsibility for it. 

You have, in your own way, done irreparable damage to those around you as well. You have a lot of work to do. I hope you feel just as disgusted with yourself because there's no excuse and no reason for what we did to the people we hurt. 

I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself. I'm not sure if I'll ever deserve it. But all I can do is try.