I miss you.

I had a panic attack at the dentist today. They had to do two fillings and it was overwhelming. The dentist kept telling me 'youre doing great' and walking me through it, encouraging me to work on my breathing. I kept thinking 'they must be so confused at this twenty five year old girl that's freaking out at the dentist'. But I didn't really have anything else in me at the time, honestly. 

The other thing I kept thinking is that how much easier it would be if you were there with me. Squeeze my hand. Just knowing you were present.. I would know I wasn't alone.

It just feels that way all the time now.

I know I'm not. I know my mom and Aly and Jeff and others care but they don't see me like you do. I'm strong enough on my own - I did it, didn't I? And I have even more strength but.. it would have been so much easier with you. If you were there with me. 

I might not have even cried in my car afterwards or maybe I would have but you would have held me or made me laugh and the world would have been okay because we were together in it. 

I keep thinking there's a parallel universe that runs alongside this one where it's me and you doing it all. In this one, I'm trying to overcome the fact that I am so alone and use it as strength to propel me. In the other... We are happy. Blissfully, joyously happy and growing and learning together and I didn't fuck up or you forgive me or you trusted me and things were okay.

 

Or maybe you texted me or reached out after.

 

The point of this is. I fucking miss you.

I wish I had someone to turn to and say, "Holy fucking shit that bill for two fillings is $307.07 WITH insurance?!?" 

But I don't, not really. Sort of. But not really. 

If you were here, I'd hold your hand and we'd sit on my too-small bed together and you'd compliment the stars on my ceiling and it would be okay to feel as young and sad as I do on the inside and I would be all the stronger for it. I don't know why I need permission, but I do, apparently.

We'd sit together in the bathtub, myself in front of you. Or we'd sit at my favorite spot up the canyon. And I'd kiss your nose and that sensitive spot between your eyebrows. And I'd love you until the cows came home and the sun died. 

I guess the real point of this is that I really fucking miss you and you're not here. You haven't been physically here in a while and God, how it hurts. Somewhere you're out there and you're not here with me and I would do anything to get you back, even give you the time you need to heal.

I miss you. Oh, how I really, really miss you.