Thinking

 I can see my neighbor's black and white picture of Trump from my bedroom window. We've never met before but I know they have it on top of a shelf, the size unusually large and his expression serious like some kind of inside joke. They have a Christmas tree on their main floor and it looks homey. The people next door to them have a closet on the second floor with a bunch of clothes, this Christmas tree more festive than the other one. They have at least one kid and a dog and their kitchen is surprisingly bland.

I wonder about them sometimes when I'm home, wonder if they ever catch me dancing in my bedroom or if I'm really the only one peeking out my window, thinking. Wondering.

This winter has been unusually warm. Climate change at work, I guess. It leaves me wondering how we've already arrived at the future where I miss the snow, despite disliking it. Maybe I never really disliked it after all, just the idea of it. Or perhaps that's me romanticizing just something else from my past. Tends to happen. 

 I'm not sure if you're out there Brett, but I dreamt about you again. Last night you and Wex got engaged. The night before you came back into my life. You haunt me frequently, a strange phantom that lingers, watching. Waiting. I wonder if you'll get engaged (I hope not) and I'll be here, still peering out my window.

They delivered my new mattress today. In some ways, there was a sense of finality about it. I'd slept on a futon for so long and my mattress I'd been using was intended to be short term, but here the new one is. The movers brought it in, carrying it and delivering it before taking the old one down to the basement. It feels like there's something poetic about me carrying the old one up those flights of stairs all by myself a year and a half ago and now, movers escorting it back where it came from and bringing me something new, something mine. 

Aly's boyfriend tried to push her and I into having a threesome on Friday. He touched my hand, he played the charismatic role and then he tried to leave with me. I told her everything. It felt like success, like conquering the demons from what happened between Brett, Mason, and I. I did it. I turned down male advances, the desire to be liked, and I defended my friend and did everything I could that was morally right. As silly as it sounds, every little victory like that sings to me. I've done it. I'm doing it. I am better now. I will continue to be better. I am not that person any more.

Three nights ago I had a dream I was lying next to him. He looked at me and said, "You are so beautiful." and he looked almost breathless. I laughed, I laughed because it felt so absurd - so out of character and bizarre - for him to say that and he said it again. "You are so beautiful." and he meant it. That's how I knew it was a dream. The bar is oh-so-low.

Super Eyepatch Wolf has a fantastic video on Nathan Fielder. It pinpointed exactly why I love him and his work so much. While Nathan may be playing a role of a kind, his work really feels like an attempt for him to understand himself, to grow, to try and understand the people around him. I feel that way too. Lost, confused, playing the awkward and uncomfortable to encourage a reaction, to get people intrigued, to get people to like me. The scene in which he tells the woman to say she loves him and she remarks that he's tearing up hit me really hard. It felt so human. The desperation to connect. To find catharsis, emotional closure.

This has been a difficult year. One of growth. I'm determined to make next year better, to reclaim myself. I want the magic. I want to fight tooth and claw for beauty, for some kind of personal glory. I don't want to settle any longer. I think I might be strong enough now. I really feel more like a complete person, shedding past skin and self-inflicted anchors. I still have a few more to leave behind, to move past, but I'm trying. I'm really trying. 

I'm not really sure what the point of this is. Frankly, I just needed a place to talk and not feel like it's going just into the empty void. I'm not even sure if anyone will see this, but for some reason, even the slimmest chance someone might matters to me. Maybe this means something after all.