I don't know what's wrong with me

 God, I miss you.

It's been so long. It's been over a year since I saw you last. Since we said goodbye on your porch, since I told you I'd see you sooner than you thought and far longer than I thought.

I wonder to myself sometimes whether I miss the fantasy, but then I remember the connection. That thing I felt when I talked to my therapist about moving on - that undeniable tie that transcends things and I don't. Know. Why.

I try not to think about you and right when I get really good at it, right when you've vanished from my mind something happens and there you are again. I can't escape you. I am constantly haunted by this ghost of you. Every car I see might be yours, and yet, I don't want to look, I almost don't want to know.  

I don't know why I can't seem to let go of you, to move on. It's you. It just... is and there's no rhyme or reason. I know I might find someone else that is better for me. It'll be that or the rare chance that we end up bumping into each other or something.  

I just can't shake this weird bone-feeling that it's you despite it all. 

 

What's wrong with me? Why can't I move on?

The other one has been a distraction, burning time. A terrible one. Revealing so many things I struggle with, tearing open my wounds but I've finally given them space to breathe. I've changed so much this past year that it's crazy. I feel like a different person in good ways, in mature ways but I've lost that magic, that sense of purpose and god, I'm desperately trying to find it. 

I tried with LT. I tried giving something else a chance but for the life of me, I just don't want to date anymore. I don't want to date anyone. It doesn't have anything to do with you but, fine, it also has a tiny bit to do with you but I just... I don't want to. I just want to work on me. I want to spend time with myself. I don't want to have to worry about it. 

Why does it still feel like you a year later? Why is it so hard to look elsewhere?

Is there a purpose to this? Are my promptings and feelings still strong and true or am I knee-deep in the denial phase of it all?

 Please, somebody. I need answers. Some kind of lifeline.

Yet. I write this out and I still feel that sureness in my chest. I still feel like it's you, Brett.

What the hell is wrong with me?