bad thoughts

 Talking to the suicide hotline isn't as effective after the first time

Pesticide poisoning is one of the most common ways in other parts of the world people kill themselves. Attempted and completing. 

Only trouble is there's a laundry list of side effects. I'm not sure how to get a hold of some.

There's prescription pills, but I don't have any and I doubt you can OD on Advil. 

I could start drinking. But then I survive that. And if I survive that, my life is ruined. If I survive, I don't want to fuck up any other chances I have if I change my mind. 

Every moment I'm alive is agony. Every breath. Every movement. There's no escaping it. I'm drowning. I wish I were dead. I wish the pain would stop. I wish he could have killed me. Or hurt me. I wish I was locked in some psych ward dosed up on meds so high I lose any sense of who and where I am. I wish I'd done the job years ago to cut down on the damage on those around me.

 

I just want this to stop. I'd do anything. Nothing is enough. Why does this always happen to me? What have I done?  Why can't things be good?

I don't understand.

Or maybe I do. Maybe I fucked up the one good thing there was in life and that was it. I got the one chance and now I'm condemned. This is punishment for that. For every wrong thing. For all of my sins. For everything my father has done. For everything I'll ever do.

I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to exist. I can't handle it. I can't do any of it. 

I would give anything to stop existing right here and now.