aching

I don't want to get better 

I want to rot away here in this room

I don't want a new job or a promotion 

I don't want to plunge forward

I don't want hope, I don't want joy, I don't want new experiences 

I want to waste away. I want to stop eating. I want to lose myself between awake and asleep. I want to not know what time it is because it all blurs together 

I want to think of him and to feel his absence and want him back 

I want him to take me 

I want to tell him I love him

I want him to hear it and I want him to feel it

I want the pain to stop but I also don't because 

If the pain stops 

What is this?

What am I?