consequences

I haven't eaten or had any water since yesterday. It's been a little over 24 hours. 

I knew that would make it quicker. the source I initially read said it would take three days to die this way. 

I've been shaky. I've been dizzy. I haven't been able to descend the stairs without the railing and I've been able to hear my blood pumping and heart beating.

I peed earlier and it looked like blood. 

It scared me so bad. 

I researched starving to death to calm my nerves, to focus me. I needed to refind purpose in starvation. I needed to recenter my will to die. 

This was this page that was very practical and almost encouraging it - intending the info for people that were already at the end of life anyway.

Seeing it that straightforward scared me even more.

I realize the sick, sad truth.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

I just want the pain to stop.

I feel like I have to die 

I feel like, if I don't, if I just move forward then this doesn't mean anything. 

I can't handle that.

I have to make myself suffer for some reason.

Why am I like this? 

Why? 

I wish I could just kill myself or be brave enough but I'm still a coward. Too much of me wants to live apparently. 

It occurs to me that he clings to God right now because he has to 

God is his suicide.

He clings to it desperately, trying to survive.

He listens to talks like I research methods to die.

He receives a blessing from his father like I talk to the suicide hotline.