It's written into everything I say to you now

The silent I love you.

The thing I never got to say.

Fuck it all. 

I just want a chance to say it. 

I want you to know how I feel

I'm erratic

I'm losing my mind

Nothing makes sense anymore 

It's hard to breathe 

Nothing matters much anyway does it 

I hate that hope keeps trying to peek in 

I wish I was in my old house with my father 

I wish I was rotting away in the dark basement

I wish I could never come out again 

That I could stop working 

That I could go jump off a ledge and kill myself

Helium poisoning is popular and relatively painless. It looks like a better option than pesticide poisoning.

I keep fantasizing about cutting my wrists 

Pressing a razor to them

To my arms, to my legs

Feeling the blood pool 

Spill at my feet

Letting the pain stop for a little while

Just feeling numb. 

Just watching myself bleed. Maybe I'd feel more connected. Maybe I'd disassociate more. 

I keep thinking 

About stabbing myself in my stomach 

Pressing the blade in

I'd use a counter

I'd steady myself 

.it would be difficult and messy 

I'd probably end up calling the police department

Then what's the point? 

Another day, another dollar. 

Another day another dollar 

Housing prices rocketing 

A laundry list of exboyfriends 

Tiny moments of joy in between 

Ultimately, I think I've always been alone 

It would be such a relief.

I can pick a date. I can pick a method. I can look forward to it. 

The day it'll all be done. I can stop hurting.

I just wish it wouldn't hurt my family. I'd give so much for them to not be hurt by it. That's the only thing really seriously holding me back.

But I'm such a coward. I'd probably chicken out. I'd be too weak. I wouldn't be able to follow through. 

The only method of self harm I can actively do is starving myself

The only relief is I can start now with no water and food 

It'll take three days 

Three days snd it'll be over

I should keep a clock 

An alarm.

Alcohol poisoning.. there's so much shame in that. So much mess. I don't think I could stomach any of it. 

Why don't I feel the way I should? 

Why is this like this? 

I just fucking want it to stop.