5am wakeup

The only one here that really hurts is me

It's as if he heard we could keep talking and then he was fine 

Does he think I haven't been serious about being suicidal? I think he takes it for granted 

I thought he'd say something else before he was gone 

Something besides what he did 

How is it I feel worse

I woke up from a good dream the first in a minute

A beast man to come to my old room, the one I grew up in 

A twisted dark beauty and the beast

I wake up to that message 

As if nothing is happening 

Wishing I'd find a blessing before he returns 

Nothing about survival or being missed

Nothing about being loved

Nothing about being gone 

I still feel nauseous 

I don't know why I ate

I'm paying the price for it

I peed (normal now, which made me sad)

I put the food away so I can stop smelling it

The room is hot and I haven't showered since Wednesday

It's mother's day and I want nothing to do with my mom 

I just want to disappear 

Everything hurts and I feel so small

Why does it matter so much that he knows and cares

I wish I were dead 

.it's 5am

I have too many hours left to live for this

processing

I ate and now I feel sick.

Nauseous.

It gave me the energy for anxiety. 

My stomach makes terrible sounds as it registers what I've done, a sleeping beast now awakened.  How am I supposed to want to keep it sated when it goes like this?

I don't feel good. 

Seeing text messages makes me worry. Makes my stomach churn.

I want to be able to keep the food inside me for longer than it wants to be when I get nervous like this. 

I was so worried it would help me feel better but now I'm realizing eating just helps me feel. It helps me get more distracted and have a little more stardust yes, but it also makes me want to eject all of my food into the toilet bowl and lie on the floor and stop existing.

I had just enough to dedicate towards downloading some old ROMs. Trying to do something fresh, something inner child with no connects to anybody. And now that we've messaged, it's just like it was before. 

There's not that vacancy.

There's not the absence.

Which is better? 

Which is worse?

He leaves tomorrow and I don't know how I'll handle this week. I don't want to handle this week. 

I don't want to think about it so I won't.

The Aurora is on tonight. 

I still wish I was dead but a little bit less.

That's the damn effect f to be having on me.

Nothing makes sense in the way I want it to.

Hayleigh was right. This does help, I think. It gets the chaos out. It directs the pain and helps it subside a little. It makes the beast. 

I'm cold still. I have goosebumps.

I should really go see the Aurora but I'm so cold. 

I wish he would miss me more.

I wish he would long for me.

I wish he would see me again.

He seems like he's doing so much better.

No more sad texts. No more missing me.

No more crying.

I'm the one left picking up all the pieces (again)

I told him I'd be open to a blessing but he suggests my grandfather or bishop.

I don't want to talk to family and I certainly don't want to talk to my bishop.

I don't want to talk to anyone else. 

The only people I'm talking to are Jeff and the suicide hotline.

It seems like I can't text the warmline which is unfortunately. 

My voice is soft due to not talking. I like it. It feels validating. I sound how I feel.

Even after eating, I feel raw and sensitive and soft. Vulnerable and wounded.

It's validating.

Part of me wants to kill myself before he gets back.

That'll show him I think. Then he'll feel it for sure

But I don't want to do more damage. 

So instead I'll think about it.

I'll plan it.

I'll keep talking to the crisis hotline.

I'll continue avoiding my family.

I'm going to curl into a ball like a prey animal and suffer this. 

I'll write out the methods and the dates and times and where to get the materials.

It's calming. It's a sign that things could stop. They could get better. 

I'll eat less than I was in an attempt to taunt that. In self harm. But I probably won't kill myself that way. It's scary to watch it happen over time.

It's scary to start to die.

I can't decide whether to stay up as late as I can or let life happen. I hate that I'm thinking about him leaving at 3:30am. I wish he didn't tell me that. I wish I didn't have to think about it. 

I wish I didn't know.

I wish the crisis hotline didn't ghost me.

I wish I felt different than this. But also not? 

I could barely manage much of my dinner. It's interesting how much appetite goes away.

Man. I really wish I was dead. 

I wish I could stop thinking about all this stuff. 

I wish I could just... Let go.

I wish I wanted to talk to somebody else but I don't.

Part of me is tempted to play an otome game but I also don't want to be driven further to wanting to kill myself in that way. That's straight up torture.

I don't know what I'll do.

Help me shut out the demons just enough but also not too much.

Please let him miss me.

Please let him hurt in the way that he can understand. 

Please, God. Please.

observations

The smell hits me and rather than being irresistible, it makes me almost nauseous. I open the lid. It's piled high with food. 

For the first time, I think I understand what people mean when they've had eating disorders and see a plate of food and think 'oh no'. 

Oh no.

My first bite: macaroni salad

Second bite: white rice

You'd think I'd be less picky about rice given that I've been starving, but it's bland.

I sample everything and then guzzle down one of the Hawaiian sun drinks like it's been much longer than 24 hours of going without water. 

It occurs to me this is the first substantial meal I've been able to keep in me since Wednesday or Tuesday.

Life seems to snap more into focus now.

I'm aware for the first time that I'm cold. My vision still seems almost cloudy and my attention isn't there, but things are focusing.

Do I even want them to focus on the first place?

Probably not.

I observe.

I worry about what I'll tell my therapist come Monday. 

I think about tomorrow and if he'll text me back.

About how I felt the need to say a reluctant prayer before I ate. Strange. God and I are on pretty poor terms at the moment. He's like a second cousin from across the country and I haven't written in a while. (I excuse it because the things they tell me about him don't sit right with me - they must have different beliefs and standards over there and I feel okay with how I'm living my life. I'm doing my best.) 

I put on a sad movie and then think twice about it. Do I really want to feel this way?

Why am I asking myself?

I leave it on in the background. 

I consider the suicide hotline ghosting me today. This is the second time they've done this mid conversation. Maybe it's because I brought up religion. Maybe Alex from 988 didn't think he could help someone that's been angry about not wanting to die enough.

Who knows. 

It's now I realize that this is one of the coping skills Hayleigh and I talked about in our conversation on Thursday night. She was my favorite of the people I talked to. She was engaging and professional but actually felt like she cared and had helped a lot of people before. 

(I hope she's having a good night tonight. I hope she knows she's changed my life.)

This falls under step 2 of my CRP (Crisis Response Plan) : coping skills. 

Specifically under Emotional Awareness.

I'm blogging. I'm noting my emotions. I'm feeling them. I'm engaging with them.

Maybe all this nonsense means something after all. 

Maybe it's actually worth something considering I'm not sure I'll do it. 

Die, I mean. Kill myself specifically. 

Not right now. Not tonight. 

There's always tomorrow, but not tonight. 

consequences

I haven't eaten or had any water since yesterday. It's been a little over 24 hours. 

I knew that would make it quicker. the source I initially read said it would take three days to die this way. 

I've been shaky. I've been dizzy. I haven't been able to descend the stairs without the railing and I've been able to hear my blood pumping and heart beating.

I peed earlier and it looked like blood. 

It scared me so bad. 

I researched starving to death to calm my nerves, to focus me. I needed to refind purpose in starvation. I needed to recenter my will to die. 

This was this page that was very practical and almost encouraging it - intending the info for people that were already at the end of life anyway.

Seeing it that straightforward scared me even more.

I realize the sick, sad truth.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

I just want the pain to stop.

I feel like I have to die 

I feel like, if I don't, if I just move forward then this doesn't mean anything. 

I can't handle that.

I have to make myself suffer for some reason.

Why am I like this? 

Why? 

I wish I could just kill myself or be brave enough but I'm still a coward. Too much of me wants to live apparently. 

It occurs to me that he clings to God right now because he has to 

God is his suicide.

He clings to it desperately, trying to survive.

He listens to talks like I research methods to die.

He receives a blessing from his father like I talk to the suicide hotline. 

crisis

I'll do it

I'll finish it off 

But how

Surrounded by my favorite things?

He's not there he keeps suggesting religion 

God's the one that told him to leave 

It's not that simple it's not that easy 

I was told to move here only to get obliterated and destroyed 

In deja vou it felt like a plastic sort of life but I was denying it I've been so desperate 

I don't feel like myself 

I don't even know who or what myself is anymore 

I can't do it. Any of it.

I need to do something. 

I need to finish it off.

I need to die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die

Kill myself 

End it stop the pain make it stop God please make it stop please I can't handle this I can't swallow it anymore please 

I'd rather be raped I'd rather be hurt some other way why is it always me why am I the one that gets left why am I the one suffering 

I'm spinning out spinning out soinning out spinning out spinning out spinning out spinning out spinnfouraoinnfourbspinningojt spinning out 

Getting tired because it's too much

I need to turn to something else some other kind of substance something to make the pain stop dometjing to make the spain stop something to make it all stop .I need it to stop I just need it tos stop .please make it all stop ...

.it's over 

I just need it to be over 

It has to be over

I'm going to do it

I have to do it 

I have to end it 

I have to leave it 

I need it to stop I need it to stop I need it to stop I have to stop remembering I have to stop dresming I have to stop thinking I have to stop I have to stop I have to stop 

Should I start 

I know if I start it'll be hard to stop 

Researching 

Researching self hard

Researching self harm 

Cutting 

Slicing cutting hurting aching bruising damaging 

He's not here he won't be here I'm freaking insane I'm the ex girlfriend you warn your other girlfriends about I did this it's all myself it's all my fault why am I like this 

.I can't do this anymore .I can't 

I can't

Please 

Please 

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

After I'm gone they'll probably find these if they care to search

Suicide hotline text messages 

How much do they care about s death like that .I don't know

How much research do they do 

I don't know

Does it even matter.

I need to do it. I need to kill myself. 

I need to do it. I need to kill myself. 

I need to do it. I need to kill myself.

I need to do it. I need to kill myself

I need to do it. I need to kill myself

I'm so weak I have to work myself up

I can't just commit

I can never fucking commit .I'm such a loser.

I can't do it 

I can't do it. I can't do this. I need to die. I just. I have to.

Methods. Gotta keep. Researching methods. 

Gotta keep thinking about it. 

Gotta be done.

Should I be comfortable

It depends .

I wish I could just

Go into a coma 

I would I could disappear and not hurt family 

I wish that were an option 

I wish I could just die

I wish I wish I wish 

Nothing I wish mayters

Nothing I want matters

Nothing matters

Nothing ever matters 

I can't even get anything I wish for

I just wanted to be happy

I just wsnted someone to love me.

Why am I so hsrd to love

Why am I so easy to leave 

I can't

I'm sorry

I'm going to die.

I don't know when 

I don't know how yet 

But I'm going to 

I don't even have it in me to write will letters

Maybe I should look for inspiration 

Maybe I should Google it

Maybe I should just die and forget it 

Maybe I should disappear 

Maybe I should kmcut myself and stop existint 

Nothing is real

Nothing was ever real

If I was ourside 

I'd be tempted to run into the road

Into ongoing traffic

That would hurt so badly

But maybe it would help

Maybe it would distract me

But it would hurt someone else

I still care about that right now

I still care about that right now

I still care about that right now

I still care ahoutr her right now 

.please

Just make it stop

Make me stop.

Please 

Wade just make it stop.

It's written into everything I say to you now

The silent I love you.

The thing I never got to say.

Fuck it all. 

I just want a chance to say it. 

I want you to know how I feel

I'm erratic

I'm losing my mind

Nothing makes sense anymore 

It's hard to breathe 

Nothing matters much anyway does it 

I hate that hope keeps trying to peek in 

I wish I was in my old house with my father 

I wish I was rotting away in the dark basement

I wish I could never come out again 

That I could stop working 

That I could go jump off a ledge and kill myself

Helium poisoning is popular and relatively painless. It looks like a better option than pesticide poisoning.

I keep fantasizing about cutting my wrists 

Pressing a razor to them

To my arms, to my legs

Feeling the blood pool 

Spill at my feet

Letting the pain stop for a little while

Just feeling numb. 

Just watching myself bleed. Maybe I'd feel more connected. Maybe I'd disassociate more. 

I keep thinking 

About stabbing myself in my stomach 

Pressing the blade in

I'd use a counter

I'd steady myself 

.it would be difficult and messy 

I'd probably end up calling the police department

Then what's the point? 

Another day, another dollar. 

Another day another dollar 

Housing prices rocketing 

A laundry list of exboyfriends 

Tiny moments of joy in between 

Ultimately, I think I've always been alone 

It would be such a relief.

I can pick a date. I can pick a method. I can look forward to it. 

The day it'll all be done. I can stop hurting.

I just wish it wouldn't hurt my family. I'd give so much for them to not be hurt by it. That's the only thing really seriously holding me back.

But I'm such a coward. I'd probably chicken out. I'd be too weak. I wouldn't be able to follow through. 

The only method of self harm I can actively do is starving myself

The only relief is I can start now with no water and food 

It'll take three days 

Three days snd it'll be over

I should keep a clock 

An alarm.

Alcohol poisoning.. there's so much shame in that. So much mess. I don't think I could stomach any of it. 

Why don't I feel the way I should? 

Why is this like this? 

I just fucking want it to stop.

pain

I don't know how to survive this

I don't want to survive this l

Make it stop, make it end, I'm done. I'm tired. Please. Please.

I don't want to get better. 

I don't want to feel anything else. 

I'm panicking.

I don't want to look at a single screen

I want to scream until my throat bleeds, until I die

I don't want to do this anymore. 

Please. please, why won't you let this be over. 

Why won't you just let this end now.

Why does he have to be like that. Why does he have to be so damn fine while I'm here like this.