consequences

I haven't eaten or had any water since yesterday. It's been a little over 24 hours. 

I knew that would make it quicker. the source I initially read said it would take three days to die this way. 

I've been shaky. I've been dizzy. I haven't been able to descend the stairs without the railing and I've been able to hear my blood pumping and heart beating.

I peed earlier and it looked like blood. 

It scared me so bad. 

I researched starving to death to calm my nerves, to focus me. I needed to refind purpose in starvation. I needed to recenter my will to die. 

This was this page that was very practical and almost encouraging it - intending the info for people that were already at the end of life anyway.

Seeing it that straightforward scared me even more.

I realize the sick, sad truth.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

I just want the pain to stop.

I feel like I have to die 

I feel like, if I don't, if I just move forward then this doesn't mean anything. 

I can't handle that.

I have to make myself suffer for some reason.

Why am I like this? 

Why? 

I wish I could just kill myself or be brave enough but I'm still a coward. Too much of me wants to live apparently. 

It occurs to me that he clings to God right now because he has to 

God is his suicide.

He clings to it desperately, trying to survive.

He listens to talks like I research methods to die.

He receives a blessing from his father like I talk to the suicide hotline. 

crisis

I'll do it

I'll finish it off 

But how

Surrounded by my favorite things?

He's not there he keeps suggesting religion 

God's the one that told him to leave 

It's not that simple it's not that easy 

I was told to move here only to get obliterated and destroyed 

In deja vou it felt like a plastic sort of life but I was denying it I've been so desperate 

I don't feel like myself 

I don't even know who or what myself is anymore 

I can't do it. Any of it.

I need to do something. 

I need to finish it off.

I need to die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die

Kill myself 

End it stop the pain make it stop God please make it stop please I can't handle this I can't swallow it anymore please 

I'd rather be raped I'd rather be hurt some other way why is it always me why am I the one that gets left why am I the one suffering 

I'm spinning out spinning out soinning out spinning out spinning out spinning out spinning out spinnfouraoinnfourbspinningojt spinning out 

Getting tired because it's too much

I need to turn to something else some other kind of substance something to make the pain stop dometjing to make the spain stop something to make it all stop .I need it to stop I just need it tos stop .please make it all stop ...

.it's over 

I just need it to be over 

It has to be over

I'm going to do it

I have to do it 

I have to end it 

I have to leave it 

I need it to stop I need it to stop I need it to stop I have to stop remembering I have to stop dresming I have to stop thinking I have to stop I have to stop I have to stop 

Should I start 

I know if I start it'll be hard to stop 

Researching 

Researching self hard

Researching self harm 

Cutting 

Slicing cutting hurting aching bruising damaging 

He's not here he won't be here I'm freaking insane I'm the ex girlfriend you warn your other girlfriends about I did this it's all myself it's all my fault why am I like this 

.I can't do this anymore .I can't 

I can't

Please 

Please 

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

Stop texting him back

After I'm gone they'll probably find these if they care to search

Suicide hotline text messages 

How much do they care about s death like that .I don't know

How much research do they do 

I don't know

Does it even matter.

I need to do it. I need to kill myself. 

I need to do it. I need to kill myself. 

I need to do it. I need to kill myself.

I need to do it. I need to kill myself

I need to do it. I need to kill myself

I'm so weak I have to work myself up

I can't just commit

I can never fucking commit .I'm such a loser.

I can't do it 

I can't do it. I can't do this. I need to die. I just. I have to.

Methods. Gotta keep. Researching methods. 

Gotta keep thinking about it. 

Gotta be done.

Should I be comfortable

It depends .

I wish I could just

Go into a coma 

I would I could disappear and not hurt family 

I wish that were an option 

I wish I could just die

I wish I wish I wish 

Nothing I wish mayters

Nothing I want matters

Nothing matters

Nothing ever matters 

I can't even get anything I wish for

I just wanted to be happy

I just wsnted someone to love me.

Why am I so hsrd to love

Why am I so easy to leave 

I can't

I'm sorry

I'm going to die.

I don't know when 

I don't know how yet 

But I'm going to 

I don't even have it in me to write will letters

Maybe I should look for inspiration 

Maybe I should Google it

Maybe I should just die and forget it 

Maybe I should disappear 

Maybe I should kmcut myself and stop existint 

Nothing is real

Nothing was ever real

If I was ourside 

I'd be tempted to run into the road

Into ongoing traffic

That would hurt so badly

But maybe it would help

Maybe it would distract me

But it would hurt someone else

I still care about that right now

I still care about that right now

I still care about that right now

I still care ahoutr her right now 

.please

Just make it stop

Make me stop.

Please 

Wade just make it stop.

It's written into everything I say to you now

The silent I love you.

The thing I never got to say.

Fuck it all. 

I just want a chance to say it. 

I want you to know how I feel

I'm erratic

I'm losing my mind

Nothing makes sense anymore 

It's hard to breathe 

Nothing matters much anyway does it 

I hate that hope keeps trying to peek in 

I wish I was in my old house with my father 

I wish I was rotting away in the dark basement

I wish I could never come out again 

That I could stop working 

That I could go jump off a ledge and kill myself

Helium poisoning is popular and relatively painless. It looks like a better option than pesticide poisoning.

I keep fantasizing about cutting my wrists 

Pressing a razor to them

To my arms, to my legs

Feeling the blood pool 

Spill at my feet

Letting the pain stop for a little while

Just feeling numb. 

Just watching myself bleed. Maybe I'd feel more connected. Maybe I'd disassociate more. 

I keep thinking 

About stabbing myself in my stomach 

Pressing the blade in

I'd use a counter

I'd steady myself 

.it would be difficult and messy 

I'd probably end up calling the police department

Then what's the point? 

Another day, another dollar. 

Another day another dollar 

Housing prices rocketing 

A laundry list of exboyfriends 

Tiny moments of joy in between 

Ultimately, I think I've always been alone 

It would be such a relief.

I can pick a date. I can pick a method. I can look forward to it. 

The day it'll all be done. I can stop hurting.

I just wish it wouldn't hurt my family. I'd give so much for them to not be hurt by it. That's the only thing really seriously holding me back.

But I'm such a coward. I'd probably chicken out. I'd be too weak. I wouldn't be able to follow through. 

The only method of self harm I can actively do is starving myself

The only relief is I can start now with no water and food 

It'll take three days 

Three days snd it'll be over

I should keep a clock 

An alarm.

Alcohol poisoning.. there's so much shame in that. So much mess. I don't think I could stomach any of it. 

Why don't I feel the way I should? 

Why is this like this? 

I just fucking want it to stop.

pain

I don't know how to survive this

I don't want to survive this l

Make it stop, make it end, I'm done. I'm tired. Please. Please.

I don't want to get better. 

I don't want to feel anything else. 

I'm panicking.

I don't want to look at a single screen

I want to scream until my throat bleeds, until I die

I don't want to do this anymore. 

Please. please, why won't you let this be over. 

Why won't you just let this end now.

Why does he have to be like that. Why does he have to be so damn fine while I'm here like this. 

aching

I don't want to get better 

I want to rot away here in this room

I don't want a new job or a promotion 

I don't want to plunge forward

I don't want hope, I don't want joy, I don't want new experiences 

I want to waste away. I want to stop eating. I want to lose myself between awake and asleep. I want to not know what time it is because it all blurs together 

I want to think of him and to feel his absence and want him back 

I want him to take me 

I want to tell him I love him

I want him to hear it and I want him to feel it

I want the pain to stop but I also don't because 

If the pain stops 

What is this?

What am I? 

bad thoughts

 Talking to the suicide hotline isn't as effective after the first time

Pesticide poisoning is one of the most common ways in other parts of the world people kill themselves. Attempted and completing. 

Only trouble is there's a laundry list of side effects. I'm not sure how to get a hold of some.

There's prescription pills, but I don't have any and I doubt you can OD on Advil. 

I could start drinking. But then I survive that. And if I survive that, my life is ruined. If I survive, I don't want to fuck up any other chances I have if I change my mind. 

Every moment I'm alive is agony. Every breath. Every movement. There's no escaping it. I'm drowning. I wish I were dead. I wish the pain would stop. I wish he could have killed me. Or hurt me. I wish I was locked in some psych ward dosed up on meds so high I lose any sense of who and where I am. I wish I'd done the job years ago to cut down on the damage on those around me.

 

I just want this to stop. I'd do anything. Nothing is enough. Why does this always happen to me? What have I done?  Why can't things be good?

I don't understand.

Or maybe I do. Maybe I fucked up the one good thing there was in life and that was it. I got the one chance and now I'm condemned. This is punishment for that. For every wrong thing. For all of my sins. For everything my father has done. For everything I'll ever do.

I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to exist. I can't handle it. I can't do any of it. 

I would give anything to stop existing right here and now.

I don't know what's wrong with me

 God, I miss you.

It's been so long. It's been over a year since I saw you last. Since we said goodbye on your porch, since I told you I'd see you sooner than you thought and far longer than I thought.

I wonder to myself sometimes whether I miss the fantasy, but then I remember the connection. That thing I felt when I talked to my therapist about moving on - that undeniable tie that transcends things and I don't. Know. Why.

I try not to think about you and right when I get really good at it, right when you've vanished from my mind something happens and there you are again. I can't escape you. I am constantly haunted by this ghost of you. Every car I see might be yours, and yet, I don't want to look, I almost don't want to know.  

I don't know why I can't seem to let go of you, to move on. It's you. It just... is and there's no rhyme or reason. I know I might find someone else that is better for me. It'll be that or the rare chance that we end up bumping into each other or something.  

I just can't shake this weird bone-feeling that it's you despite it all. 

 

What's wrong with me? Why can't I move on?

The other one has been a distraction, burning time. A terrible one. Revealing so many things I struggle with, tearing open my wounds but I've finally given them space to breathe. I've changed so much this past year that it's crazy. I feel like a different person in good ways, in mature ways but I've lost that magic, that sense of purpose and god, I'm desperately trying to find it. 

I tried with LT. I tried giving something else a chance but for the life of me, I just don't want to date anymore. I don't want to date anyone. It doesn't have anything to do with you but, fine, it also has a tiny bit to do with you but I just... I don't want to. I just want to work on me. I want to spend time with myself. I don't want to have to worry about it. 

Why does it still feel like you a year later? Why is it so hard to look elsewhere?

Is there a purpose to this? Are my promptings and feelings still strong and true or am I knee-deep in the denial phase of it all?

 Please, somebody. I need answers. Some kind of lifeline.

Yet. I write this out and I still feel that sureness in my chest. I still feel like it's you, Brett.

What the hell is wrong with me?